#43 Why you want what you want
The hidden link between desire and happiness
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The spark for this post was a conversation with a successful entrepreneur who lives just outside Madrid. He told me something that stuck.
Every time he goes into the city to meet with other entrepreneurs, he feels this invisible pressure to want more. Bigger exits. Bigger houses. Bigger everything. The energy is competitive, restless, contagious. But back in his small town, surrounded by old friends and a slower pace, that pressure fades. Life feels simpler. He doesn’t need more. He has enough.
That conversation made me pause. I started thinking about how much of what we want is shaped not by what we actually need, but by what the people around us have and want. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
This was the trigger to go down the rabbit hole and study how human desire works. In this post, I will try to sum up how desires are formed, how they affect us and what we can do to reshape them to lead to a life that feels good, not just looks good
Let’s dig in.
Where do desires come from?
Desire is at the root of almost everything. Our goals, our frustrations, our joy.
Happiness is often defined as reality minus expectations. And where do those expectations come from? From what you want. From your desires. So the real question is: where do desires come from?
They have many origins.
Some are biological. You are wired to seek food, sex, safety, status, and connection. These are deep evolutionary instincts, designed to keep you alive and part of the group.
Others are shaped in childhood. What you were praised for, what you lacked, what made you feel seen or safe. These early experiences often turn into lifelong patterns of desire.
Then there are intrinsic desires. These are the ones that emerge from within, tied to flow, curiosity, and a sense of meaning. They often feel energizing and aligned, even if no one else is watching.
Biological and childhood desires are foundational. They are deeply embedded and often hard to change. But there is another type of desire that is just as powerful, far more overlooked, and surprisingly malleable: mimetic desire.
The invisible force of mimetic desire
Ask yourself: what is your idea of a good car, a great holiday, a dream home?
Now think about your friends, your colleagues, the people you admire. What do they drive? Where do they go? How do they live?
Chances are, your answers match more than you would like to admit.
Now rewind. What did you consider "nice" when you were in your twenties? Has it changed? Most likely. But not randomly. It evolved with your social circle, your work environment, and your stage in life.
That is mimetic desire. French philosopher René Girard explains that we do not desire things spontaneously. We desire them because others do. We imitate the people we admire, envy, or are close to. Their wanting makes something seem valuable.
This is why the phrase "you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with" is not just about behavior. It also applies to desire. The people around you shape not just how you act, but what you want.
And in today’s digital world, your five closest influences might not be real people. They might be Instagram accounts, YouTubers, or Twitter personalities. Social media and algorithms now shape our desires as much as, and often more than, our physical environments. And to make it worse, they feed us curated lives that are often exaggerated or fake. So we end up wanting things that were never real to begin with.
This is all natural. But unless we become aware of it, we can spend years chasing goals that were never ours. That awareness is the beginning of freedom.
The buddhist ideal: freedom from desire
Buddhism teaches that desire is the root of suffering. The more we crave, the more we suffer. The ideal state is detachment, freedom from wanting, or at least from clinging.
“The craving of desires is the root of all suffering.” — buddha
There’s beauty in this idea. If you don’t constantly crave, you’re more at peace. You’re not pushed and pulled by every trend or ego battle.
But in practice, this is hard. Especially if you live in society. When you're surrounded by signals, markets, people with goals, how do you not absorb some of that energy? Maybe if you retreat to the mountains or a monastery, it’s possible. But for most of us, the question isn’t how to eliminate desire, but how to understand and direct it.
Directing our desires
There’s power in becoming conscious of our desires, but there’s also power in designing the forces that shape them.
We can’t live without desire, but we can choose what kind of desires we nourish. Here’s how:
Curate your close circle: your partner, your friends, your colleagues. These people set your benchmarks. Choose them with care.
Choose your sources of admiration: be intentional about who you follow, read, and look up to. Don’t let the algorithm decide who shapes your ambitions.
Decide where you live: a big city might expose you to more opportunity, but also more competition, status anxiety, and lifestyle inflation. Sometimes, moving away from that environment helps ground your desires.
Pay attention to flow: the activities that make you lose track of time often point toward more authentic, intrinsic desires.
Retreat regularly: spend time alone, in nature, or in silence. Meditate. Journal. Ask yourself: what do I want when no one else is watching?
If you think some of the proposed solutions are hard to implement, I strongly encourage you to revisit our post on Agency.
Lastly, in today’s digital world, what you follow on social media can shape your desires as much as, and sometimes even more than, the people around you. This is why curating your digital environment is just as important as choosing your real-life circle.
Choose your desires, choose your life
Desire isn’t just a feeling. It’s a force. It shapes how you spend your time, what you chase, and ultimately how happy you feel.
Most of your desires didn’t start with you. They came from the people you admire, the circles you move in, and the environments you absorb. But that doesn’t mean you’re stuck with them.
You can pause. You can question. You can rewire.
Curate your circle. Change what you admire. Move where the noise fades. Spend more time listening to what actually lights you up.
Remember, if your desires are borrowed, so is your life.
Thanks for reading 3x!
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