#52 Keep your friends

We’ve never been more connected and more lonely.

Oct 09, 2025

👋 Hey! We’re Alex & Marc, two longtime friends and curious minds.

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Five chimps

Robin Dunbar, an anthropologist at Oxford, discovered that the human brain can only manage about five real friendships.
Five people. That’s the number you can truly trust, confide in, and care for. Beyond that, attention fades and empathy weakens.

I call it the 5 chimps theory.

Now look around. At friendship today. Thousands of followers. Dozens of group chats. Constant pings, no depth.

Since 1990, the number of people with no close friends has quadrupled. Fewer than one in three men have six close friends. Loneliness increases early death risk by 26%, as deadly as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

We’ve inflated connection and diluted meaning. The more connected we are, the lonelier we get. So if friendship is not about quantity, what is friendship really about?

Weak animals

Humans are weak animals. No claws, no fur, no fangs. What kept us alive in the jungle wasn’t strength; it was cooperation. Friendship is our oldest survival mechanism.

Our brains are wired for connection. When a friend is in pain, the same part of your brain that processes your pain lights up. We call that empathy. And the chemistry follows: oxytocin for bonding, serotonin for stability, endorphins for reward.

Friendship literally keeps you alive. Loneliness does the opposite.

But survival isn’t the full story. Friendship may come from evolution, yet what it means goes far beyond it.

Growth, Time and Love

Aristotle said there are three kinds of friendship: for utility, for pleasure, and for virtue, the last one being the only one that endures.

Nietzsche agreed: Real friends don’t flatter you; they make you better. “In a friend one must have one’s best enemy.” True friendship, for him, was a form of creative tension, a bond that challenges complacency and fuels growth.

At its core, friendship is mutual growth, a shared path toward becoming better humans.

It’s also about sharing life. The Latin compañero means “one with whom you share bread.” “Don’t walk in front of me… just walk beside me and be my friend”, someone once said. And that’s what friendship really is: not purpose or productivity, but time. Showing up. Being there when nothing’s happening.

And finally, friendship is love. Montaigne said of his best friend: “Because it was he, because it was I.” The African, Ubuntu version is: “I am because we are.” Love without need. Without possession. Between equals.

Across centuries and cultures, friendship has always meant the same thing: a bond that makes you grow, that you share life with, and that you love without need.

Breathe

One of the most meaningful days of my life began with a phone call.
A friend was having a panic attack. He could barely breathe, yet he called me.
I had no script, and didn’t really know what to do. So I just stayed on the line, listening, matching his breath. For a while, I said nothing. Then, somehow, the right words came, not from me, but through me. Slowly, he calmed down. It ended well.

That call stayed with me. I realised the trust he felt, and the calm I could offer, weren’t built in that moment. They were built over years: hundreds of small, forgettable interactions that created a unique bond. And I understood something else: friendship shows itself not in moments of joy, but in moments of truth.

I get it. Life gets complicated. Kids, work, aging parents, everything demands time. But the digital world lies to us. Friendship isn’t likes or DM’s. It isn’t even the occasional padel game or drink.

Make time. Pick up the phone. Say yes to the plan. Get in the car. Do whatever it takes to keep your five closest people, your real friends, at the centre of your life. Your 5 chimps. The ones you’ll call when you can’t breathe.

Thanks for reading 3x!

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