#72 You are playing the wrong status game

And why you don’t choose whether to play—only which one

May 07, 2026

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A few weeks ago, we bought a flat.

Since then, I’ve had the same conversation multiple times. Someone asks about it, and within a few seconds, the questions start to follow a predictable pattern:

How much did it cost?
Is it in a good area?
How big is it?

What’s interesting is not the questions themselves, but what they reveal.

Most people are not really asking about the flat. They are trying to understand where we stand.

Status is not optional

We like to think we’re rational, independent, and self-directed. But much of what we do is shaped by a quieter force: status

Not in the shallow sense of luxury or ego. In the deeper sense of:

Where do I stand relative to others?

And this isn’t just cultural. It’s biological. For most of human history, your position in the group determined your access to resources, protection, and opportunities. Higher status wasn’t a nice-to-have. It was a survival advantage. So we evolved to care about it. Deeply.

Which leads to an uncomfortable truth: You don’t get to opt out of status games. You only get to choose which one you play.

The scoreboards we play

Most people think there is one game. There isn’t. There are at least three.

External: money, titles, visible success. -> Easy to measure. Easy to compare.
Social: respect, reputation, admiration. -> Less visible, but you feel it in every room.
Internal: time, freedom, peace of mind. -> Invisible. But ultimately decisive.

The problem isn’t that we chase status. It’s that we default to the easiest scoreboard: money

And for our parents and grandparents, that made sense. Progress was tangible: more income, more stability, better living conditions, more opportunities for their children. The game was relatively clear and for many, it worked.

But even beyond that, external status games make sense at certain stages of life.

In your 20s, and often into your 30s, optimizing for money, ambition, and recognition is natural. You are building skills, proving yourself, creating optionality. External progress matters because you are still constructing the foundations of your life.

The problem is when the game never evolves. Beyond a certain point, more money stops being a reliable proxy for a better life. Research consistently shows that once basic security and comfort are covered, the drivers of well-being shift toward relationships, meaning, autonomy, and mental health.

And yet, many people continue playing the same game long after it stopped serving them.

That is because the alternative status games are harder to navigate.

Being respected by people you admire.
Having strong, meaningful relationships.
Doing work that feels worth doing.
Having control over your time.

These matter more, but they’re harder to measure, harder to signal, and harder to compare. So we delay them. And end up optimizing for what’s visible… not for what’s valuable.

The trade-off

There is no perfect status game. Every path comes with a cost.

More money often means less control over your time.
More visibility often means less privacy.
More freedom often means less external validation.

The challenge is not that these games exist. It’s that they conflict. You can win one… but rarely all.

Most people don’t choose a game consciously. They drift into it. Usually the one that is easiest to measure, most rewarded by others, and feels safest in the short term.

The mistake is not choosing the “wrong” game. It’s not seeing the trade-offs clearly. Because once you see them, you realize:

You are not just choosing what you want. You are choosing what you’re willing to give up.

The subtle influence you don’t see

Go back to the flat. Some people asked about price. Others asked about how I’ll live there.

They reflect the games those people are playing themselves. Because most of our desires are not truly ours.

We inherit them. We absorb them from friends, colleagues, society. We learn what to value by watching what others seem to value.

And slowly, without noticing, we start playing a game we never consciously chose.

More on this topic in our recent article: “Why you want what you want”

So what should you do?

Not escape the game. That’s not possible. But choose it deliberately.

Ask yourself:

Which scoreboard do I actually care about?
Whose approval am I optimising for?
What am I willing to sacrifice and what am I not?

Because in the end, this is the real decision:

Not which game is best.
But which regrets you’re willing to live with.

One last thought

You can win almost any status game if you commit long enough.

But very few people ask the question that matters most:

Will I like my life after I win it?

Thanks for reading 3x!

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